PRODUCTION WEEK HAS ARRIVED!!!!!!

IT’S HERE!!!!!!! My favorite week of the entire semester! Production week has arrived, along with all the sleepless nights, constant coffee, and side-splitting laughter! I love being able to be involved in a program like this one, where we are able to push students to greater Christlikeness through something as simple as a theater production.

What?! Seriously, who gets to do that?!?!

Pray for me: I’m on coffee cup #3 for the day, and rehearsal hasn’t even started haha

Love you guys!

The Power Of Prayer

Dear Lord, it has been a roller-coaster of a summer:

Moving in to the Bachelor Pad and the countless ups and downs leading to that.

My greatest failure in sin.

My most crushing disappointment from my closest friends.

“Coming out” (please know I use that term loosely…different topic for a different time) for the first time to someone outside of my family.

Leasing a new car (yeah…forgot to mention that one).

Seriously, this is all in one summer.

And now, the school year has started, and we’ve hit the ground running. Last week held auditions for the Fall play; we finalized the cast Thursday night and had our first read through Saturday evening. It’s a great group of students, and we as Directors are pumped for the opportunity to lead them and hopefully provide encouragement to them as men and women of God.

And it’s a comedy, which should be hilarious.

Things at the house have returned to an even keel. After the boat-rocking waves that happened over the summer, it’s nice to once again have a place to go and relax – even just for a lunch break – to get away from the crazy pace of college life.

Monday, we had our first rehearsal for the theater production; pray that we continue to get off to a good start 😉

I haven’t had a chance in a while to step back and pen some of the thoughts that bounce around in my head most of the time. These past few weeks have been so full of “stuff” that it was all I could do to keep my head above water and trust the Lord to take care of the rest. At last, we have reached a brief point where I can take a breath, catch the sandy shore with my toes, and stand for a moment amidst the roaring ocean tides.

The Lord has shown me much about prayer these past few months. It’s one of those more nebulous ideas of Christianity: talking into empty air, sharing requests with the God of the universe and trusting that He actually hears what you’re saying.

And cares.

At times, it can seem like He doesn’t listen. For years, I prayed that He would take away the SSA temptations that I deal with on a daily basis; He did not. For a long time, I felt like He was just ignoring me, refusing to answer the prayer that I desperately sent to Heaven over and over. It was easier to believe He wasn’t listening than to believe He heard and had decided to let me continue fighting.

It got discouraging at times. And I still get discouraged at times. But the reality is – which I have seen very clearly over the past few years – He does hear, He does care, and He always answers, even when it’s not the answer we may want.

I can remember several specific prayers throughout the last few years that were very specifically answered. In high school, I vividly recall talking to God and confessing that I didn’t think about Heaven enough, that my mind was often focused on the things of this world rather than things of eternal significance. I prayed that He would remind me that life is temporary and fleeting.

The next day, I got in an accident that completely totaled my car.

Not quite what I was expecting, but sure.

In Israel, I prayed for several specific things, and had them all answered one by one. I also mentioned to several people that I wanted to look for another job, and asked them to pray that I could end my time well at my previous job and maintain a good relationship with my boss.

The day I got back, I was informed that my entire department was being laid off.

Again, not quite what I meant, but great!

I prayed over the last school year that living in the Bachelor Pad would fall into place. It did. I prayed over vacation this last summer that God would help me deal with the fact that I idolize friendships. The week I got back, everything blew up at the house.

Not what I expected.

But a constant reminder that prayer does get answered.

Two nights ago, I was talking with Greg as we climbed into our beds and drifted off to sleep. I mentioned I was over summer; it’s hot, AC is expensive, it hasn’t rained in forever, and I wanted cold air. As I drifted off, the house sitting somewhere around 80 degrees, I shot off a quick prayer in the same vein.

I woke at 5AM to the sound of pouring rain outside my window.

I stood at the window, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes, staring out at rain filling the planters, covering the sidewalks, and cooling the air. When I crawled back into bed, my subconscious mind could not help but consider that this is exactly what I had asked for mere hours before. By the time I woke for work around 8AM, the rain was gone save for scattered puddles on the sidewalks and wet veins along the streets.

Things like that can’t be dismissed as “coincidence”.

So I’m careful about what I pray for now 😉

I am reminded of the verse my namesake book, James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” Though I am not what I would consider a “righteous person”, I have seen that the truth described remains the same: God is faithful to hear and answer prayer (John 16:23-24; Matt 7:7-8).

My prayer for this semester remains the same: I have 9 months left in the Bachelor Pad, hopefully enough time to be an encouragement to the guys I live with. The school year is in full swing, and there are countless opportunities to encourage students and faculty alike. We, as men and women of God, are called to live our lives in such a way as to build one another up as “iron sharpening iron” (Prov 27:17), living the Christian life alongside one another and pushing each other towards greater Christlikeness. You, dear reader, have the opportunity as well, wherever God has planted you, to be a light for His name. Don’t squander that.

Use it.

Pray that you will have an impact and leave a mark wherever He takes you.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thess.5:16-18).

Praying for you, my scattered readers 🙂

 

T

The Worst Day Of The Year

We closed the show yesterday morning around 3am.

The show’s first weekend was incredible. The whole production week leading up to opening night was a blast (as usual), and we had so much fun at rehearsals. I, as the youngest director, kept track of the Quote Book – of course 😉 – and there are definitely some winner quotes in there. Opening night was amazing, and the cast and crew did an awesome job. Greg spent the night Friday (as has become tradition for the last three years), and we grabbed coffee before the matinee Saturday morning. Show started at 2:30pm, the whole group of 60 grabbed lunch between shows, hustled back to the college, slipped into costumes, and opened doors again at 7:30 for the evening performance. We closed the night around 11:30pm.

That night, I had the privilege of hanging out with a fellow blogger till 2am or so. It was so encouraging to talk openly with another guy about this crappy struggle we deal with and to find hope in the testimonies of others. Even in the times when life really kinda sucks, we can trust that the Lord is sovereign and completely in control. Though there are definitely days when it’s tempting to just want to screw life and skip straight to heaven, we can rest in the promises of Scripture that this life does have a meaning and a purpose. I was so blessed when I went home that night.

This past week flashed by in a blur, and suddenly, we were at Thursday’s pick-up rehearsal. I don’t think I’ve laughed quite as hard as I did that night in quite some time, and we had an absolute blast being back together as a team. Friday night opened our second weekend at 7:30pm. Everybody hit Denny’s (another tradition) until 1am that night, Greg hung out for the night, and we were back at Starbucks Saturday morning, grabbing coffee before the matinee. The afternoon show flew by, the whole group ran to grab dinner, and suddenly, we were at the final show.

We had a brief moment of down-time between the shows to recoup and laugh together, and then the doors opened on closing night. The final performance was their best one, and we as the directors were so encouraged by the effort and time put in throughout these past 8 weeks. The whole group met afterwards for an extended family time, and we finally had a chance to ask them what they had learned throughout the course of the show. More than “how to act”, “how to carry yourself”, or “how to project”, we hope that being apart of this program teaches the students lessons about life and the Christian walk in general. That final family time is when we get to hear the outcome of the semester’s efforts, and we were not disappointed. It was such a blessing to hear college students talk of learning to love others even when they themselves are tired, learning to pray for others and how much of a blessing it is to be prayed for in turn. A few mentioned how they had seen the Lord teach them not to rely on their own strength in all the stress and tiredness that comes with the show, something I definitely resonated with.

We finally closed the show in prayer, changed clothes, and headed into tear-down. The beautiful set we had built over the course of three-and-a-half days came down in just a few hours and, all to soon, it was time to end the night. I had the privilege to close us out in prayer, and then began the hugs and farewells.

Greg spent the night again Saturday, and I woke up sometime around 1pm Sunday morning. We literally did nothing all day, sitting on the couch playing PS4 (him) and surfing the web/Facebook/email (me). I’ve told many people in the past that the day after the show closes is usually horrible for me, and it was encouraging to receive several texts and emails throughout the day from people praying for me. I responded to one saying I felt like maybe this year wasn’t going to be so bad.

Ha!

Greg had work that night at 9, so I dropped him at the college around 8:45. He stepped out of the car, waved goodbye, and disappeared into the building.

And then it really was over.

You know how it feels watching the waves at the beach? You can see the wave building quite a ways out from the shore, slowly rolling under the surface of the water. Then, as it nears shore, it begins to rise from the sea, becoming a long mountain along the coast, growing as it approaches, becoming white and foamy as it rears back its head. Yards from your feet, it finally crests in a bubbling line, tips, and crashes down in on itself in a thunder of sound.

My wave crested when he stepped out of the car.

It broke as I drove back home.

Everything hurts. Not an “I’m sick” aching hurt, but a “my heart hurts” hurt. It feels like somebody twisted something horrible into my gut, pulled out my heart, kneaded it around for a bit, then slapped it back inside.

Heartache.

My heart actually aches.

All the loneliness that I never really even think about comes crashing down like some satanic wave beating at my head. And my brain is already scrambling for things to occupy my time with now that I don’t have rehearsals and such.

It’s the hardest day of the year.

Even as I drove back home last night, my sinful flesh was already searching for a foothold.

“You’re lonely. Come on man, just a few simple emails and you could be with somebody. Not alone. With them…..like with them.”

“Sex would fix this. Seriously, it’ll get your mind off all this and fill that void. Get online and find a guy. Anybody. A great smile and a nice body, that’s all it takes.”

“Why hold out? He’s never going to look at you that way, he’s never going to be ‘yours’, and it’s not worth pining away over him. Move on to somebody else. Get over your best friend.”

“Porn. Just trust me, it’ll make everything better.”

“….I mean, if God really loved you, why the hell would He keep making you say goodbye to people and watch them walk out of your life?”

The last is something I often struggle with. I am reminded over and over that to doubt God’s love for me is foolishness. He gave His Son; what more can He do to prove His love? And yet, it’s so easy to lose sight of that in the moments where life really hits its low points.

So, if you have prayed for me these last few weeks, I thank you. For those of you who have emailed or texted encouragement, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate those brief moments of encouragement.

I would ask you to keep me in your prayers. I have hit the temporary bottom of the roller-coaster known as “life”, as I knew would happen, and now I begin the long climb back up into normalcy. My emotions are kinda in shambles, defenses are weak against temptation, my head hurts from  lack of sleep and lack of coffee, and my heart feels mortally wounded.

Seriously.

Oh, and they were out of grape juice in the cafeteria. So there’s that too….

Quick update on the roommate situation before I close. I did work up the courage to text Greg and tell him I’d rather stick with just the four of us in the house next year. He was totally fine with it, and it turns out Mr. Experienced wasn’t cool with the idea either but didn’t want to be the “bad guy”. So it all worked out. As of right now, we’ve found the perfect place, but we’re waiting to hear for a second time from the owners. If it works out, next year has the potential to be incredible.

I just have to get through today.

“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt. 6:34)

 

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I Need Prayer

Alrighty folks, this is a legitimate ask for prayer. I know every year this week is my favorite; I wait for it all semester, and as soon as Monday arrives, it’s like a week of Disneyland.

Very little sleep.

Tons of coffee.

Long hours.

Great conversations.

Hard work.

PRODUCTION WEEK IS HERE!!!!!!

Starting tonight, we begin a full week of rehearsals with the cast and crew of the Theater production. Every night, we start at 7pm and usually wrap about 12/1AM. It’s intense, and it’s a blast! When I say it’s my favorite week of the year, I’m not exaggerating; I absolutely LOVE this week!

There is a drawback though. Because of the little sleep and long hours, my emotions are a bit more in-flux. And I’m a pretty emotional guy (as in, I express my emotions).

Unfortunately.

Usually, I’m able to pretty much clear my schedule of anything important during this week because I know it’s going to be a little rough. However, this year, Greg, Mr. Experience, and I are all going to look at an apartment and house tomorrow. Which means the rest of the week will probably include scattered conversations regarding rooming next year.

I was so excited to room with Greg when he asked me. This morning, plans apparently are starting to change. Along with the four of us originals, there’s the possibility that another guy could be joining us in the house (if we get it). Greg’s new idea: he and the newbie room together, Mr. Experience and Number Four (THAT’S IT! He’s got a nickname) room together, and I get my own room.

Suddenly not as attractive a prospect.

I’ll still be alone.

Surrounded by people, but alone.

Aaaaaaaauuuuggggggggg……I really hate this. I wish, honestly, that I could just completely detach my emotions from decisions and conversations, and just function like a robot whenever I wanted. It would be so much easier.

And the chances of getting hurt would be so much less.

He asked me what I thought of the arrangement. I told him I really didn’t care.

I lied.

I do care. It would be awesome, SO awesome, just for one year, to room with my best friend. But it may not happen.

And I don’t have the courage to tell him that’s what I want.

Add on top of that the fact that I’m most likely giving my testimony to the combined cast and crew tonight. Or tomorrow. And, as always, I’m faced with the conundrum of “How much do I share?” I’m not to the point where I can be open about all this stuff publicly, and I can’t really hint at what I deal with without kind of giving it away.

On top of THAT is this fun little fact: I feel like God is pushing me to lose my anonymity. Like it might be time to start sharing this with a few select people in my life.

Which scares the shit out of me.

Sorry. That one slipped past the filter…..

So, instead of having the ability to clear my schedule of anything major this week, it seems the Lord is placing quite a bit on my plate that’s going to come to a head in the immediate future.

Logically, I know I shouldn’t be disappointed with the Greg/roommate situation. He’s in college; I’m not, and the fifth guy is. He’s my best friend; I doubt I’m his. It’s not even that big of a deal……it’s just my problems with trusting people and opening up that makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be. And with the testimony, it shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s just sharing the story of how God saved you and what He’s accomplished in your life. But for me, most of that is wrapped behind this cloud of secrecy. And with the “coming out”, for lack of a better term, it shouldn’t be terrifying to share what you struggle with to other brothers in Christ. But with this struggle, it is a big deal; it has the very real possibility of drastically changing your relationship with those very same brothers in Christ.

So it’s a lot. I’ve lived with the motto of “No Expectations” for years and years; I’m a firm believer in the fact that it makes life so much easier and way less complicated. But it’s hard not to have expectations with how the roommate situation has played out so far. And it hurts to have them start to change. And I’m trying to have the energy and joy that always seems to come naturally with this week, but it all seems to have disappeared over the last few hours. And I’m praying for it back.

So that’s what I’m asking prayer for.

Please.

I’ve got the responsibility (along with the other two directors) of leading about 60-70 people through the craziness of this week. We’ll be working with little sleep and long hours of hard work.

I really don’t need all my personal problems to start creeping in on the burdens that already exist this week.

So, for the few of you reading this, a couple prayer requests:

1. As always, pray for the play. We constantly teach the students involved that this is about giving a gift to the audience. It’s not about promoting yourself or grabbing the spotlight; it’s a team effort, and we all have to have each others’ backs. Pray that the Lord uses the production to impact lives for the gospel.

2. Pray that I would have a humble heart to whatever God brings with the living situation next year. At this point, I just don’t want to be hurt again, and I know it’s not fair to expect not to be hurt without telling anyone you are being hurt, but I don’t really have a choice here. Greg for one is definitely not ready to handle me unloading all this crap on him, and I’m not ready to tell him.

3. Pray for my testimony. Pray for wisdom in what to share and how to share it. I’m growing tired of feeling like nobody sees the real me that I’ve buried behind so many layers, but I don’t think sharing everything with a group of young college students is the way to start.

4. Most likely, early next week, I will be sitting down with one of the men on campus that I really respect and sharing all about my struggle. The fact that I’m even putting this in writing terrifies me, because it means it’s most likely going to happen. I’m so scared of being rejected if he can’t handle it, my life changing if he decides other people need to know, and/or the fallout to my friends if that happens. I don’t know. And the unknown freaks me out.

BUT……but! I know that God is sovereign. And I have to, HAVE TO trust Him. My friendships and relationships are not worth more than my ultimate relationship with Him, and I have to be ok looking at my life and asking, “Would I still love Him if I lost everything as Job did? Or would I curse God and die?”

I pray that the answer is always “Christ is enough.”

Here we go.

 

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Male PMS

Does that even exist?! ‘Cause seriously, I’m pretty convinced that if it does, I’ve got a full-blown case of it right now.

AAAAUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

I am SO stinkin’ frustrated.

Something’s off.

I have no idea what.

Normally, I LOVE these two weeks of Theater shows. Last weekend was incredible. Loved every minute of it.

Last night was our pick-up rehearsal.

It sucked.

I felt like the whole night was just……….off.

I can’t put my finger on it.

Greg was there (obviously). I felt like he had a massive “keep your distance” sign taped to his head all night. Towards everybody. Hoodie up. Phone out. Don’t talk to me. Avoid everyone.

The other two directors were discussing something all night. Apparently it was pretty important (and I don’t begrudge them that) because they barely paid attention through the whole rehearsal. Felt slightly left out. Kind of alone.

The cast was in a weird mood. Things didn’t run smoothly, and it all felt disjointed. A good word to describe them was “giddy”. This weird, awkward energy.

I was off.

Usually, I’m the energetic one, the encouraging one, the one who pushes the rest to keep going, to focus, to enjoy the process and end result.

Last night, I turned to one of the other directors at the end of the rehearsal and said, “I really just want to get out of here.”

What the heck is wrong with me?!

I spent several hours last night listening to the Psalms on my computer and cooking enchiladas (I was bored and slightly depressed……deal with it)

Today, I just feel………..off.

This morning, I read Romans 6-8, reminding myself of the joy and confidence we have in Christ. I’m fighting this hard. I don’t know if somehow, I’m already looking ahead to the goodbye’s only a few days away. I don’t know if it was Greg’s attitude last night. I don’t know if I felt excluded from the other directors last night.

I don’t know.

I’m pooped.

Don’t want to fight anymore.

Really, I kinda want to go out, purchase a large bottle of Jack Daniels, lock all the doors to my apartment, hide my phone from myself, and get roaring drunk.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? I love, LOVE whiskey. Hate beer, think wine is gross, but absolutely LOVE hard whiskey.

Weird, huh?

I guess I’m venting here.

I don’t know.

So, what do I know?

I know that I am saved.

I know that I will not have to struggle with my sin for all of eternity. I have the hope of heaven to look forwards too.

I know that I am loved by Christ. No matter how many earthly relationships that fail, no matter how many times I am hurt by people, I can rest in the fact that my Savior loves me and will never leave me. He is constant and faithful, and I never have to question His love.

I know that tonight will be exactly the show that God wants it to be. Whether that means we are slightly humbled through mistakes tonight (though in 10 semesters, we’ve never had a hallelujah-breakdown onstage) or we have an incredible show, He will be glorified.

I know that His strength is perfected in my weakness. So though I am weak, confused, and just feeling weird right now, I know that He can still use me despite my feelings and emotions going cuckoo.

2 Corinthians 12:9 – But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

God is good all the time.

All the time, God is good.

Here’s to another weekend of shows!

Pray for me 🙂

 

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Lights, Camera, ACTION!!!

It’s here!!!!

The end result of my favorite week of the year:

OPENING NIGHT!

This past week, we have had rehearsals every single night for the theater production. We’ve averaged 2AM or 3AM bedtimes every night, and the three of us directors are so encouraged….and pooped! The show has shaped up into something beautiful, and we finally get to put it on for an audience.

We finally get to give the gift we’ve been working on for the past few months.

Literally, this is my favorite week of the year (well…..we have  a Spring show too with it’s own production week, so I guess they tie for “favorite week”). Tonight, the tiny 5-year-old that lives in some McDonald’s playplace deep in the depths of my subconscious surges to the forefront and takes over. I have SO much energy (partially because I’ve been drinking 3-4 cups of coffee every day haha), and I cannot WAIT for 8PM tonight.

We’re putting on the show for the first time.

To somewhere around 300 people.

I have loved working with this cast. As I’ve shared in a couple previous posts, this semester has provided some of the most incredible and encouraging testimonies I’ve ever heard, and the cast as a whole has become a huge encouragement in my life. I’m so excited for them to finally see the results of their hard work, getting to actually act for a live audience.

We’ve been texting all morning.

My phone is beeping so often at my desk that I can’t help but laugh when another text comes through. As I’ve done for the past 7 years, I send out hourly updates, shouting (through caps-lock) how many hours are left till doors open and the show starts.

I LOVE IT!

Here’s what I would ask of you, my readers.

We need prayer.

Pray that the show is a blessing to the audiences that come.

Pray that the cast is encouraged by the response we get to the production.

Pray that the actors on-stage and the crew back-stage continue to focus the attention on Christ rather than themselves. This is so hard to do, especially in theater, but I have seen this goal accomplished year after year, and I trust that this cast will be no different. We often have audience members, usually unsaved, walk out the doors to greet the cast and tell us, “Even though you were acting as someone else, I just felt like there’s something different about you guys, like you actually love each other or something…..”

Uh…….yes, that’s exactly right.

For myself, a bit more serious request that I’ve shared with a couple cast-members but can share with a bit more detail here:

This is my favorite week of the year. The show runs for two weekends. Two weekends of intense, being-around-each-other-all-the-time contact with the cast and crew.

Then it’s over.

I experience emotions to a high degree. I actually started this blog at the end of the last show and talked some about it back in March. I LOVE this program.

My favorite week of the year.

The day after we close, October 27th, is the worst day of the year for me.

I hate it.

All the emotion and excitement of the previous two weeks crashes.

And I crash hard.

That’s my low point.

Every year.

Because it’s happened so many times before, I’m to the point now where I know it’s coming and can sort of brace myself for it.

For all the temptations to depression that come with it.

And honestly, the temptation to act out. Even with the mental “adjustments” the Lord has made in me over the past couple weeks, I know it’s still gonna be hard.

That day, more than ever, the fight is real.

Very, very, incredibly real.

So please pray for me on that day. Pray that I can continue to be an encouragement to these guys and girls over the next two weeks. I’m gonna have guys over at my apartment tonight and tomorrow from the cast (after our traditional after-show party at Denny’s till 2AM) and will probably be staying in Greg’s dorm room next weekend.

Two weekends of intense, interpersonal time.

Pray that I take advantage of that.

And pray that the Lord provides encouragement for me after we close the show.

Pray that I will have the strength, despite being wiped and dead from the energy expended over the course of the next two weeks, to fight the temptations and struggles I know are coming. Pray that I will honor my Lord with my conduct, my actions, and even my thoughts.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We open this show in 9 hours.

9 HOURS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!

Let’s do this!

Lights.

Camera.

Action.

It’s showtime!

 

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My Story Part VII (the last one)

Ok, if I’m being completely honest (which is the point of this blog after all), I’m a complete emotional wreck right now. Like getting all teary-eyed at the most random times, feeling like my heart hurts throughout the day, and getting super emotional during a worship time I was able to have.

I’m a guy. According to our culture, I’m not supposed to be emotional.

While I know that’s not true, it’s still slightly embarrassing to have to wipe away tears before you walk into work so your coworkers don’t ask what’s wrong.

The other thing is that I hate when people focus on me. Perhaps that’s something I’ll talk about in a later post: my issues with people caring about me.

Yeah.

Anyways, on to part seven. Sorry this one was delayed a bit, but this should bring us current with my life story 🙂

So, that night (talking with Joy, walking up the hill, finally calling my dad) was probably the longest, most painful night of my life. I came clean to my dad about everything.

The return to porn.

The backsliding with mental purity.

The almost hook-up during junior year.

The lies about how I was doing spiritually.

Yeah, it sucked to have to put all that into words, but it was also so nice to be able to open up to someone again. And, unlike the first time, I had not been caught; I was doing this of my own free will. Scary? Yes. Nauseating? Definitely. Exciting? …..a little.

My dad agreed to be more regular with the check-ups on my spiritual walk. He mentioned that he had wanted me to take more initiative in my own spiritual growth, which explained why he had pulled back some before. But, he said, he would try to stay more regular now that he had a better understanding of where I was at.

My mom was still completely supportive of me. She asked questions about the past year and a half, and once she was satisfied I was being honest, she prayed with me and moved on. She too began to be more regular with checking on me and my walk with Christ.

At the end of that year, graduation had finally arrived. I struggled immensely with the thought of leaving the college. The Lord had given me an amazing group of friends there, and I couldn’t believe I was going to have to say goodbye to friends again.

Again.

All through life, with all of our moves, all our different churches, I had never experienced close friendships like the Lord gave me in college. I felt like He had finally given me what I needed, what I longed for, and yet now, He was going to take them all away again.

I contemplated going back for another year of school. My parents had encouraged me to pursue Business as my major (I like math…) and do music on the side. During my time with the college choir and the traveling ensemble, I fell in love with music. I knew that it was something the Lord wanted me to do the rest of my life, and I began looking into coming back for another year to add on a Music Minor. Unfortunately, my plans were not the Lord’s, and things fell through a few weeks before graduation.

We ended the year with a five week tour from Pennsylvania to New York to Georgia to California, the first two weeks with the college choir and the last three with the ensemble.

Those were probably the happiest, coolest days of my life.

I’ll never forget those memories.

The play that year had been my favorite as well, a well-written script about a small Italian family that closely paralleled my own. The cast was only 6 people, so we grew extremely close that last semester. Theater had provided an outlet for me in college, a chance to really open up and enjoy being myself with others. I would miss it immensely.

The end of tour came eventually, along with many hugs goodbye and bucket loads of tears. At last, around 3am that morning, we headed to our own separate cars and turned towards home.

I wept the entire hour drive home.

I felt so alone.

The next couple months passed in a blur. I found a job near my house (where I still work today) and settled into the monotony of “adulthood”. It was super boring.

I felt as if I had been going 100mph in college, and my life had suddenly entered a 15mph zone.

The Lord provided funds for a gym membership, and I started attending pretty regularly. I began to grow more confident in my body and how the Lord had made me. Over summer, one of the elders also approached me about taking over the Christmas Concert program at my church, citing my years with music at the college as experience. I agreed, excited to be able to do something “artsy” for the first time in a while. Rehearsals were added to my schedule.

My church also began to give me more responsibility in the music ministry in general . I was hired nearly a year ago as the Music Intern and took over all personnel scheduling for the ministry. Over the last couple months, the elders at my church have looked at possibly moving me towards a Music Director roll in the church. I am excited to see what the Lord does in the coming years.

The next semester after graduation rolled around, and the directors of the Theater program gave me a call. Would I be willing to come back and help with auditions for the next show?

I jumped at the chance. Who cares that it was only one day?! It was still the program that I loved!

The next semester, they asked me to step in as the Assistant Director for the entirety of the show.

The one after that, they asked me to return to the position permanently.

Which brings us current 🙂

This past Saturday, the college closed out the production of our very first musical. The show was a resounding success, selling out the hall before the doors even opened. I had a blast getting to know the guys in the show and working with the rest of the crew as well. My college has probably the most unique theater department you will ever see or hear about. We literally have no distinction between cast and crew; we all hang out together, we all support each other, and we all cheer one another on. The rest of the college calls it “The People’s Theater” because we have so many random people in all the shows. Baseball players, basketball players, Bio majors, music majors, Business majors, etc. There is no fighting over roles, no problems with big personalities demanding respect. I know I sound like I exaggerate, but I don’t. In my opinion, there is no Theater group like it anywhere else in the world, a group that really and truly does have Christ as its central focus.

Even in theater.

We tore down the set that night and didn’t get to bed till 4am Sunday morning.

It was amazing.

So why am I so emotional?

Well, we did stay up till 4am…..

Let’s be clear: I’m an extremely emotional person in general. Not emotional like “crying all the time” but emotional as in, “I experience emotions to a greater degree than most people.” When I get excited, I get SUPER excited (ask anybody in the show…..I’m ridiculous backstage haha). It takes a lot to get me angry, but when I do get there, it takes a good amount to calm me down.

And when I get sad, I get really, really sad.

All the actors for this show were guys. I was scared heading into the show, knowing that I struggle to open up to guys, and wondered if I’d be able to relate well with them. I wanted to have an impact on them and encourage them despite my shortcomings. And the Lord was gracious; I hung out with the guys for basically the entirety of this last week. He provided opportunities for me to encourage them and press them on towards Christ even though I am a sinner just like them.

What a blessing!

But all that hype, excitement, and adrenaline works kind of like coffee: it’s great while it lasts, but the crash afterwards is hell (excuse my language).

And that’s about where I am right now.

Once again, I feel that the Lord has provided some awesome friends, and I’ve been forced to say goodbye to them.

It sucks.

But….

But I must constantly remind myself of the enormous blessing this past week has been. I must not forget that my prayers for this show – that it would be a gift to the audience, that it would minister to the cast and crew, that I would be able to be friends with the cast – have been answered. I cannot forget that I will still see these guys in future shows, that I’ll get to work with them and hang out with them when I’m down at the college. I cannot forget how blessed I am to still be a part of the program at all.

The Lord is faithful.

God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!

I can’t wait to see where the Lord takes me in the coming weeks, months, years, and decades.

Hope you’re ready to come along with me 🙂