The Worst Day Of The Year

We closed the show yesterday morning around 3am.

The show’s first weekend was incredible. The whole production week leading up to opening night was a blast (as usual), and we had so much fun at rehearsals. I, as the youngest director, kept track of the Quote Book – of course 😉 – and there are definitely some winner quotes in there. Opening night was amazing, and the cast and crew did an awesome job. Greg spent the night Friday (as has become tradition for the last three years), and we grabbed coffee before the matinee Saturday morning. Show started at 2:30pm, the whole group of 60 grabbed lunch between shows, hustled back to the college, slipped into costumes, and opened doors again at 7:30 for the evening performance. We closed the night around 11:30pm.

That night, I had the privilege of hanging out with a fellow blogger till 2am or so. It was so encouraging to talk openly with another guy about this crappy struggle we deal with and to find hope in the testimonies of others. Even in the times when life really kinda sucks, we can trust that the Lord is sovereign and completely in control. Though there are definitely days when it’s tempting to just want to screw life and skip straight to heaven, we can rest in the promises of Scripture that this life does have a meaning and a purpose. I was so blessed when I went home that night.

This past week flashed by in a blur, and suddenly, we were at Thursday’s pick-up rehearsal. I don’t think I’ve laughed quite as hard as I did that night in quite some time, and we had an absolute blast being back together as a team. Friday night opened our second weekend at 7:30pm. Everybody hit Denny’s (another tradition) until 1am that night, Greg hung out for the night, and we were back at Starbucks Saturday morning, grabbing coffee before the matinee. The afternoon show flew by, the whole group ran to grab dinner, and suddenly, we were at the final show.

We had a brief moment of down-time between the shows to recoup and laugh together, and then the doors opened on closing night. The final performance was their best one, and we as the directors were so encouraged by the effort and time put in throughout these past 8 weeks. The whole group met afterwards for an extended family time, and we finally had a chance to ask them what they had learned throughout the course of the show. More than “how to act”, “how to carry yourself”, or “how to project”, we hope that being apart of this program teaches the students lessons about life and the Christian walk in general. That final family time is when we get to hear the outcome of the semester’s efforts, and we were not disappointed. It was such a blessing to hear college students talk of learning to love others even when they themselves are tired, learning to pray for others and how much of a blessing it is to be prayed for in turn. A few mentioned how they had seen the Lord teach them not to rely on their own strength in all the stress and tiredness that comes with the show, something I definitely resonated with.

We finally closed the show in prayer, changed clothes, and headed into tear-down. The beautiful set we had built over the course of three-and-a-half days came down in just a few hours and, all to soon, it was time to end the night. I had the privilege to close us out in prayer, and then began the hugs and farewells.

Greg spent the night again Saturday, and I woke up sometime around 1pm Sunday morning. We literally did nothing all day, sitting on the couch playing PS4 (him) and surfing the web/Facebook/email (me). I’ve told many people in the past that the day after the show closes is usually horrible for me, and it was encouraging to receive several texts and emails throughout the day from people praying for me. I responded to one saying I felt like maybe this year wasn’t going to be so bad.

Ha!

Greg had work that night at 9, so I dropped him at the college around 8:45. He stepped out of the car, waved goodbye, and disappeared into the building.

And then it really was over.

You know how it feels watching the waves at the beach? You can see the wave building quite a ways out from the shore, slowly rolling under the surface of the water. Then, as it nears shore, it begins to rise from the sea, becoming a long mountain along the coast, growing as it approaches, becoming white and foamy as it rears back its head. Yards from your feet, it finally crests in a bubbling line, tips, and crashes down in on itself in a thunder of sound.

My wave crested when he stepped out of the car.

It broke as I drove back home.

Everything hurts. Not an “I’m sick” aching hurt, but a “my heart hurts” hurt. It feels like somebody twisted something horrible into my gut, pulled out my heart, kneaded it around for a bit, then slapped it back inside.

Heartache.

My heart actually aches.

All the loneliness that I never really even think about comes crashing down like some satanic wave beating at my head. And my brain is already scrambling for things to occupy my time with now that I don’t have rehearsals and such.

It’s the hardest day of the year.

Even as I drove back home last night, my sinful flesh was already searching for a foothold.

“You’re lonely. Come on man, just a few simple emails and you could be with somebody. Not alone. With them…..like with them.”

“Sex would fix this. Seriously, it’ll get your mind off all this and fill that void. Get online and find a guy. Anybody. A great smile and a nice body, that’s all it takes.”

“Why hold out? He’s never going to look at you that way, he’s never going to be ‘yours’, and it’s not worth pining away over him. Move on to somebody else. Get over your best friend.”

“Porn. Just trust me, it’ll make everything better.”

“….I mean, if God really loved you, why the hell would He keep making you say goodbye to people and watch them walk out of your life?”

The last is something I often struggle with. I am reminded over and over that to doubt God’s love for me is foolishness. He gave His Son; what more can He do to prove His love? And yet, it’s so easy to lose sight of that in the moments where life really hits its low points.

So, if you have prayed for me these last few weeks, I thank you. For those of you who have emailed or texted encouragement, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate those brief moments of encouragement.

I would ask you to keep me in your prayers. I have hit the temporary bottom of the roller-coaster known as “life”, as I knew would happen, and now I begin the long climb back up into normalcy. My emotions are kinda in shambles, defenses are weak against temptation, my head hurts from  lack of sleep and lack of coffee, and my heart feels mortally wounded.

Seriously.

Oh, and they were out of grape juice in the cafeteria. So there’s that too….

Quick update on the roommate situation before I close. I did work up the courage to text Greg and tell him I’d rather stick with just the four of us in the house next year. He was totally fine with it, and it turns out Mr. Experienced wasn’t cool with the idea either but didn’t want to be the “bad guy”. So it all worked out. As of right now, we’ve found the perfect place, but we’re waiting to hear for a second time from the owners. If it works out, next year has the potential to be incredible.

I just have to get through today.

“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt. 6:34)

 

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